There are many dating advice columns and blog articles aimed at providing single women advice for how to attract a good man. The Millennial Gentleman is overwhelmingly specialized for providing advice for men but we have written several articles that undoubtedly are being read by women as well. Indeed many women find the male perspective on dating to be valuable, as the vast majority of dating advice is written by women who tend to have one-dimensional perspectives; some may even say rather short-sighted ones at that.
In this article I will provide some basic information on how a single female can attract a desirable mate, a gentleman. A breed of man that much like a lady is becoming harder to find in Western society these days.
There are three basic guidelines that a Western woman in today’s society should follow. These guidelines are basic yet multi-dimensional, so each section about these guidelines is somewhat lengthy. Yet I think this format is more useful than generic advice like ‘lose weight’ or ‘wear makeup’, because it doesn’t really explain why high quality gentlemen find these qualities attractive. My goal here is to make this information approachable by providing objective reasons for why most men want these qualities and dislike other traits you may be cultivating that chase men away from you.
Curb Your Worst Female Instincts
Basically, don’t be a Tinderella.
One of the biggest problems with relationships these days is that many people do not make enough effort to control themselves; that is, they do not practice traditional values of etiquette and social practices that are expressly designed to curb the more negative aspects of human instincts. Indeed, there are those who will try to even convince you that such instincts do not exist at all, and everything is a ‘social construct’ — only for people to later eventually realize that no, gender is something biological and being of a certain gender makes a person far more prone to certain behaviors that are instinctive to that gender. This is because humans are not creatures of light and magic; we do not have ‘souls’. What we have are brains, and our consciousness is the result of a complex tapestry of electrical activity in brain regions, and chemical releases that significantly impact our behavior. All human thought has a biological component behind it, and to ignore this is to ignore objective reality and well established medical facts about how the human body works. For the same reason you cannot resist becoming drunk if you drink too much alcohol, you cannot resist the impact certain hormonal releases have on your mind. You are not a ghost operating an organic machine body; you are the machine.
In short, what you think, feel and even believe about others has at its root a biological function to it. Men and women have a great many differences biologically from one another far more than just levels of testosterone and estrogen — men have physical advantages over women when it comes to muscular strength and endurance that women cannot replicate simply by injecting themselves with testosterone. Likewise men cannot experience menstruation nor any of the associated chemical releases that greatly impact mood by just injecting themselves with estrogen. There are many complexities between gender that were obvious to our ancestors, and are still obvious to us today. With any generalities there are exceptions, but they are just that- exceptional. The vast majority of men and women have strong instincts toward certain behaviors, as it is these instincts which allowed their ancestors to survive and procreate in the first place. So these behaviors were accentuated over generations of humans, much like animal husbandry specialists improved the disposition of feral animals through generations of selective breeding toward passive personalities — which resulted in domesticated animals like pets and farm stock.
In regards to the modern dating world, there are aspects of instinctual behavior that was beneficial to our early ancestors but are less useful to humans today in civilized society. One of these behaviors is hypergamy; in sociology this is often labeled as practice of a person marrying a spouse of higher caste or social status than themselves but in the more general sense, it largely is applied to behavior among females who have sex with many men as a means of social elevation. Our female ancestors sought to procreate with a male who offered them the best chance to produce healthy, stronger offspring and who would also be best to help them raise those children. This meant females selected as mates the smartest men who were better at making tools, those who invented novel ways to keep the tribe safe and who had the physical attributes to stay alive and keep others safe. This is one of the mating behaviors that allowed humans to become so intelligent; for whatever reason, early human females were much better at selecting intelligent, physically fit men to procreate with than other species of mammals have been. This is one of the reasons humans are so much more intelligent than other animal species.
However among early humans life expectancy was not as long as it is today; early humans started procreating as soon as they could and this meant teenage pregnancies were the norm. Early humans average life expectancy was not much higher than the 30s and 40s, so women needed to procreate as much as they could with the best men they could. As men tend to live more dangerously since they are the role that primarily engaged in hunting, foraging and took other kinds of risk for the tribe this meant quality men often died before women did, and so any widowed women needed to quickly couple up with new men to continue having children before the woman herself died from misadventure, disease or even during the act of childbirth itself.
This hypergamous behavior was useful to early humans but is no longer necessary, as the life expectancy of men is substantially higher today than it was for our ancestors. Even for humans centuries ago, it was realized that too much hypergamy among females was not advisable, which is why cultural rules such as marriage and courtship have developed. A few hundred years ago it was socially unacceptable for a woman to have sexual relationships before she was married; doing so would doom that woman to life as a prostitute, as few men of any social standing would marry her once she had gained that kind of reputation. Having a child out of wedlock was taboo and likewise, very few men of even modest social standing would take a woman on who had children from a prior relationship, even if she was a widow. Likewise divorce was taboo, and often even legally impossible, so a woman could not simply keep leaving a marriage and marrying new men to raise her social status.
These social views about sex and divorce largely changed during the 20th century, as both World Wars resulted in substantial loss of male life and left behind a much larger female population. The mathematics were problematic for many women seeking to marry, as competition for men became more fierce but it also resulted in a greater number of women entering the work force to fill employment gaps. This resulted in women who were more independent than their recent ancestors had been and with that independence came the so-called ‘sexual revolution’ of the 1960s in Western countries. This resulted in many traditional values of dating courtship to become less commonplace, and has ultimately given rise to growing social acceptance of women who have sex and even children outside of a marriage.
However — and this is the important part here — if your goal is to marry a gentleman (that is, a heterosexual man who is intelligent, healthy and successful) then what is “socially acceptable” to other women is not of importance. What you as a single woman seeking to attract a gentleman should be doing is making yourself more attractive to such a man. This may seem obvious and yet it is clearly not, or you would not be reading this article. The reality is that the qualities which high value men find attractive in a woman are not the kind of qualities which make a woman more popular amongst other women. Unlike men and women who almost universally value the qualities of a gentlemen, in today’s current political climate Western women tend to value and respect other women who act more like men do, and may have disdain to women who have more traditional values. They value women who take on more masculine qualities, achieving great success in their education and career. Men, however, are almost universally uninterested in the academic and career achievements of women when they are selecting a mate — this is a harsh pill for many Western women to swallow but it is the brutal truth. Knowing the truth is a necessary step to becoming more attractive to the kind of man you want to settle down with.
You may wonder why it is that high quality men do not place much value in the academic and career success of a woman? Well, it is not so much that men do not value these things in a female but rather that these qualities do not make a woman more attractive to a man. A man can certainly appreciate these qualities when selecting a co-worker for a project, or even hiring a woman for a job, but this is a different role than wife and mother of his children.
So why do men not value education and career success in women they intend to marry? The answer is quite simple; hypergamy is predominantly a behavior among women, not men. The majority of men are not seeking a woman who is of superior or even equal social standing to himself; the majority of men are seeking a woman whom he can produce healthy children with and who will be a good mother to the children, while also being a good wife to himself. A woman’s social standing is much less important, as well as her career and educational level (if anything, having a busy job can be viewed negatively as it would mean the woman may be unwilling to have children at all because it would take time away from her career). This is because, instinctively, men have been the breadwinners of the family just as among early humans men were the hunter-gatherers and warriors for the tribes. Centuries of human evolution have evolved men to instinctively strive to be the best alpha male they can be. There is nothing about being an alpha male that says you should enhance your social standing by marrying into a better social class; indeed, that path historically has not even been available to men since women instinctively seek to marry men of higher social classes than themselves. The path men have used is selecting the healthiest women who have the best maternal qualities — that is, women who will have the best chance of birthing healthy children and then raising those children into becoming successful in their own right, per traditional values that humans have lived by for centuries. This means raising boys into men who will become alphas and raising girls into women who will procreate with alphas. That is ultimately what goal a high quality man is looking to achieve in a relationship at an instinctive level, and it is the embracement of these instincts which mark the man as being high quality in the first place, since his own behavior is tailored to achieving the same goals that allowed his own male ancestors to successful procreate and result in his own birth.
So why is this section called ‘Curb your instincts’ if instincts are so vital and necessary to follow for a relationship? The reason is because if you want to attract a high quality man to marry you then you need to understand that some of your instincts as a woman are not of great benefit to you in modern society, and you must learn to ignore these particular instincts.
For example, you should not become fixated on having sex with as many men as you can nor place so much value in how much male attention you can obtain — these things distract you from finding a high quality man to marry you. Sure, while you may be able to attract a man to have sex with you by advertising yourself as being loose, a man who is very alpha (and consequently, very successful due to what these alpha traits help him achieve in life) will not see you as a potential wife and mother of his children if you behave this way. He will instead only view you as someone whom he can get his rocks off with sexually.
High quality gentlemen value woman who have romantic loyalty; that is, women who once they select a mate will only mate with that man. The gentleman does not want a woman who is going to sleep around with many men at the same time simply because they are good looking or have money, because the man cannot trust this kind of woman to stay faithful to him. A man’s instinctive goal is to have a woman who will raise his children, not other men’s children, and while a man can set aside his own instincts and be a father figure to another man’s children, a man still wants the security of knowing his own kids with a woman are actually his. Unless the man has deep emotional problems he should be getting counseling for, a man doesn’t want to marry a woman who might sleep behind his back and treat him as a cuckold. This means many women go very wrong in their relationships by quickly having sex with a man they find attractive, sometimes as soon as the first date, and then wonder why the guy ‘vanished’ afterwards and never went on another date with her. The reason is because after the man got his sexual needs met, he became more sensible and rational since he was no longer led by his instincts anymore now that he had fulfilled that instinctive need. Sexual release is something that quickly restores sanity to a man and if the woman is someone whom ultimately he cannot see himself marrying, he won’t keep pursuing the relationship. So if you as a woman want to catch a high quality man and keep his interest in you then it is ill-advised to quickly have sex with him upon first meeting him.
The next area where instincts trip a single woman up is when she eats too much food and becomes very obese. The reality is that women gain weight easier than men do, because of a consequence of centuries of behavior amongst human females. As mentioned previously, our early ancestors had children in their early teenage years and women would have as many children as they could until they reached menopause, or died. So women tended to consume more food than men did, as they needed to provide nourishment to a baby. When a pregnant woman does not have sufficient nutrition, miscarriages occur or the children can be born very sickly with health problems and would often die young. So centuries and centuries of instinctive behavior among women has evolved so that women have more powerful urges to eat than men do. Yet it is not outside of the realm for women to control these urges, just as it is not for men. What it does mean is that women who are not very physically active need to take extra effort to avoid over-eating and becoming obese, as obesity is a sign of unhealthiness. High quality men are attracted most to healthy women, not unhealthy ones. The reason that women started wearing makeup was to enhance their beauty by making them appear more healthy; fuller lips, covering blemishes in the skin, enhancing pigment and so on. Likewise, hair quality shampoos and other treatments were developed to enhance the characteristics of women who had brittle hair, as hair quality is also a sign of health level, too. So not wearing makeup puts a woman at a disadvantage in the dating field in the Western world, as unless the woman is extraordinarily beautiful naturally she may be at a disadvantage. Just as men who are not naturally in the top percentage of attractiveness must learn to dress and groom better to enhance their attractiveness, so too must women do this.
Some women don’t like to hear this, and prefer to believe that men should be able to see “their real self” and fall in love with their personalities first. However that is really not how things work in reality. Humans predominantly use visual information to navigate the world and make decisions, and this means that mates are selected by both men and women predominantly from visual information — essentially, we analyze a person’s appearance. Other factors such as social status, education, career success and so on are secondary qualities we humans evaluate after attraction has been established based on physical appearance. This is how humans operate and to intentionally go against it is to fight an uphill battle — and unless your secondary traits are very exceptional (such as being extremely wealthy) you are not likely to stand out among other women who conform better to traditional models of feminine beauty.
To summarize this section,
- Understand that education and career success are not deemed important to men when selecting a mate. Having too much success in your career can actually be a negative quality, since it leaves a woman less time to devote to mothering.
- Men primarily value the health of a woman when selecting a wife, and the second quality is the personality of the woman in regards to how well she will make a good mother and wife.
- Hypergamous behavior is viewed as a negative quality for a future wife, so while a high quality man might sleep with a loose woman he will never marry her.
Avoid Dating Men Who Don’t Control Their Own Worst Instincts
Spending your time dating low quality men means you aren’t available to date a high quality man. It’s really that simple.
There are many instincts which were valuable to prior generations of humans but are less useful today. An example is the desire for a man to procreate with as many women as the man can, in order to spread his seed. Historically, early humans were benefited by the most intelligent and healthiest men procreating with as many healthy women as possible, as this gave the best chance for humans to prosper as a species. Unfortunately we no longer live in the kind of world our ancestors did, and yet we retain many of these instincts that don’t actually benefit our modern lives nor that of our species anymore. Raising a human child in today’s civilization requires more resources than it did in the past, as each human child has greater expectations than our earliest ancestors had. Every human child born today must learn centuries worth of knowledge that is necessary in order to succeed in modern society. This is why the legal age of adulthood is now 18, as it takes that many years to acquire the knowledge needed to function as an adult in our society. This however is not instinctive to humans; instinctively we’re adults as soon as we enter puberty.
As such it is worth recognizing that the most successful men today are those who can curb their less desirable instincts and apply the remaining ones to activities that benefit them. For example, alpha men today seek to attract one woman — the best woman they can find in terms of health and demeanor — to procreate with. The best men today do not try to impregnate every woman that they see, as this does not actually benefit themselves nor society. Indeed, men with many children from many women tend to be at a disadvantage socially, as the legal system forces men to pay child support to these women. This means a man who has many kids tends to not have the resources to focus on any of them in particular, and so none of the kids get the best start in life. This often results in the kids having much less success later in their own lives. Another issue is that kids with absentee fathers tend to develop various psychological issues which also undermines their future prospects.
So if you are a single woman seeking to attract a high quality man, you want a man who believes in traditional family structure and values; he wants to get married, he wants children that he is a father to, and he wants to only have as many kids as he can realistically provide for.
Many women can avoid setting themselves on a bad path in a relationship by simply avoiding a man who is willing to impregnate her outside of a marriage, or worse, a man who has already impregnated other women outside of marriage. Likewise a woman probably should not view a man who has little initiative when it comes to achieving financial success in life, as these men will struggle to provide for their children (if they even try to at all). A high quality man instinctively knows he needs to be a good provider for his children and does not need to be convinced or encouraged to do his best to succeed in his career.
Naturally it goes without saying that men who easily resort to violence and anger are also not making any effort to curb their worst instinctive qualities and will make bad mates and fathers, too.
Be Real and Don’t Engage in Roleplaying to be Popular or Trendy
Due to societal pressures in the media and from other peers easily influenced by that media, many Western women are attempting to assert independence by expressly going against traditional values and social norms. Yet this does not actually make a woman more independent, because she is following a trend. There is nothing very “independent” about purchasing mass produced fashion products that millions of other people have, or getting very popular tattoo designs others have. What it actually does is just make a woman less attractive to a high quality man, as high quality men value traditional feminine qualities the woman is specifically trying to discourage in herself with the mistaken idea that it will make her ‘stronger’. It does not, as you cannot make yourself stronger with material goods and decorations. This is just costuming and roleplaying.
To be specific, as a woman do not cover yourself in weird tattoos, piercings and other modifications that are expressly designed to make you look less conventionally attractive. Doing these things to harm your beauty will achieve the goal of making you less beautiful and consequently, also makes you less attractive to a man who is attracted to conventional standards of beauty. This seems obvious to me but is very confusing for some women, who think these changes make them more desirable sexually but let’s be clear about this; there are different kinds of attraction for men. When I see a girl with blue, green, purple or orange dyed hair it sends a signal to me about how this woman is intentionally trying to conform to a certain role– that of a woman going against conventional ideas of femininity. So, if you make yourself look like someone from a horror movie it might attract men to you who want an easy lay but it will not attract a high quality man who has great financial success to marry you. This is because such a man cannot see himself attending social functions or even introducing a woman who looks like this to his parents.
Another thing that men consider is that children take after the mother; if the mother has a bunch of weird piercings, tattoos, and so on then the children he has with her will see these things as the norm and may decide to also follow suit when they get older. Most men don’t want to have daughters who grow up to shave their heads and get a bunch of full body tattoos. Men want their daughters to grow up to be women that high quality men will date and not the kind of women that men use for hump and dump hookups. And it is very unlikely that a woman who cannot attract a high quality man will raise a daughter who can, since the mother will not teach her daughter to have qualities that high value men find attractive.
It is a common bit of wisdom that men tend to marry women who are like their own mothers. High value men tend to be raised by women who have traditional values, and so naturally they want a similar kind of woman to marry and raise their own kids with. Men who did not have that kind of mother themselves are more open to non-traditional women but likewise, there is less chance of these men being high value. And it is a high value man you are looking to marry, correct?
So, you must decide if you want to attract men to have sex with you, or if you want to attract a high quality man to marry you. These things are not necessarily the same. Almost all men will have sex with a woman who is less attractive than himself, as men have a powerful drive to have sex. When sex is offered by a woman, a man is often driven by instincts to accept the invitation. However this does not mean an intelligent, successful man is going to procreate with a woman who is an easy lay; as mentioned previously, high quality men value romantic loyalty. It is hard to believe that a woman will be faithful if she easily has sex with men she meets and are basically strangers to her.
Presently, many Western women are presenting themselves to conform to certain counter-cultural archetypes that tell people that this woman is trying to go against traditional cultural attitudes about femininity. They may cling to slogans such as “Well behaved women rarely make history” and so on. When a woman decides to rebel against these traditional values, the main way she does so is by playing fast and loose with sex. A woman does this because sex is the easiest way for a woman to get attention from men, but sex is also something she sees as a tool to use to gain power of her own, since men will do things for a woman to convince her to reward them with sex. However men do not reward a woman with marriage in exchange for sex and this is something women often do not understand. This is because marriage is something the majority of men view as something that is a necessary step to form a family. When a man views sex as something that is only for self-gratification and not procreation then he will not use marriage as a reward for sex. Anything else can be used to reward sex, but not marriage as marriage is a step that means children and a man who does not wish to have children is obviously not going to get married.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t have sex outside of a marriage but it does mean that you cannot convince a man to marry you with sex. It also means that having sex quickly and easily with a high quality man tells a man that you’re not wife material, since he cannot trust you to not quickly have sex with other men you are basically a stranger to. High quality men value romantic loyalty and a woman who easily has sex with strangers never has romantic loyalty– I mean, if she did then she would not be having sex with strangers now would she?
It should go without saying that if you have something like an OnlyFans account, while this might get you a lot of male attention from men who will shower you with gifts and money, it probably isn’t going to result in you attracting any high quality men. This is because high quality men do not use OnlyFans and are certainly not going to look for a wife on there, either. This is because a high quality man does not need to shower thots on webcams with money to gain attention from females; he has it in his own life, everywhere he goes simply for being who he is. It will often be the case that having an OnlyFans account will send a message to a high quality man that the woman is disinterested in becoming a wife at all, as she has chosen to monetize her sexuality instead of using it to find a husband. Very few men want to marry a woman who views stoking the erotic desires of men via webcams as her job, since it means the husband will have constant competition for her attention and could lose her to another man of superior social class. This is because many web cam girls do end up meeting patrons for sex once enough money has been offered.
This is not the advice many men will openly give Western women today, because many men do not want to admit these things to women. There is a social stigma against men who are blunt about the realities of dating and marriage to a woman, but what I am telling you is objectively the truth. High quality men will not marry you unless they want to have a family with you, and while some men might procreate with a woman outside of marriage, a high quality man isn’t going to do that because “high quality” implies “very intelligent“. And it is a very bad idea for many reasons, for a man to have children outside of a marriage in modern Western society because men are penalized by the court system for doing so.
Likewise, a man who gets married but doesn’t want to have children is probably not high-quality, either. Marriage in Western societies puts men at a great disadvantage, as even with a prenuptial agreement some courts will still give the female half of the man’s estate during divorce. So men are at a disadvantage in a society where the current social trend is for women to be encouraged to let their instincts to be hypergamous run rampant, divorcing men to marry a man the woman thinks will give her better social status (based on his wealth, social status or physical appearance) and to not work out any issues in the relationship that inevitably arise, as has traditionally been the custom. Women are encouraged today to quickly end relationships when the woman is so much as bored of it, and to do little to try to work out problems that arise after the early honeymoon phase has ended.
So men who get married but do not intend to have children are probably not making the best decision for their own futures; it is hard to say a man is very intelligent if he puts himself into a position where he has nothing to gain and everything to lose. Marriage only has value in Western society for the dynamic of raising children; having a committed relationship where the parents live together with the children. There are financial benefits to marriage built into the tax system, as well as certain benefits programs. There is also the social ritual of marriage itself, as marriages make the different families relatives to each other. So a man marries to take advantage of these things, and not simply to keep a woman still having sex with him since marriage is not required for him to obtain sex. Marriage is only necessary for raising children and having children outside of marriage places a man at many financial and legal disadvantages.
Men who have no interest in having children nor a family yet get married are almost always marrying because they are afraid of being alone. This is not a very good reason to marry, and tends to result in a relationship dynamic where the woman becomes the ‘child’ in the relationship- someone whom the man spoils constantly with affections in hopes to keeping her with them. In many of these relationships, however, the man tends to be cuckolded by the woman, who continues to sleep around on him while he pays for her lifestyle. This, again, is a relationship where the man is at a disadvantage so no high quality man is going to enter into that situation, since the woman is basically using him and may eventually leave him if she thinks she can find a replacement mate to upgrade her social status.
So, a distinction has to be made here; do you want a man who is high quality, or just a man? Again, any woman can attract a man simply by offering sex but this will not keep a high quality man tied to you. A high quality man has many women chasing him and while he will play the field, he ultimately can only marry one of them. Men who try to make polygamy work in western society generally discover too late that it does not, and even the most wealthy of men who try polygamy end up discovering it to be a costly experiment as the court system will make the man give up much of his wealth to the women for spousal and child support. It can therefore be argued that men who engage in polygamous relationships and have children are probably not as intelligent as they think they are, and are making a short-sighted decision driven by lust more so than common sense.
If you want a gentleman — if you want a successful long lasting marriage with children — then you need to be realistic and honest about the realities of social relationships among humans and the current financial considerations of the society we live in. Simply getting men to chase you around and have sex with you does not make a woman successful, nor does it make a man successful to be that kind of chaser, either. To be successful is to achieve the end-result, which is a successful marriage. So you must be able to capitalize on the value you have that others are chasing you for. A failure to achieve your goal means that you are not successful at it. Consequently, the best thing to do is to abandon all ideas that you can be a “strong, independent woman” without a man to marry you — this attitude is unhelpful if you want to attract a man to marry you! Many women who choose that route inevitably discover late in life it was a bad choice, and the only way you can avoid that fate for yourself is to abandon these short sighted ideas that do not result in long term happiness.
Ultimately you should try to be what we refer to here at The Millennial Gentleman as a Cinderella type. This is what will give you the best chance of attracting a high quality man who wants to marry you.